The Great Wall

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Come on -Come on now! None of you thought this was gonna be good, right? You just want to know how bad it is… Well, it’s bad.

Where on the terrible scale does ‘The Great Wall’, fall? For me the type of bad I categorize this movie into is ‘Bewilderingly Bad”. You can only hope when you go and see a genuinely bad movie that is a ‘Hilariously Bad’ movie. And at times it does nudge into this field but most of the time I found myself just shaking my head and looking around at strangers in the theater. I throw the odd loose empty handed gesture at the screen to ask the silent question..’Why?’… When it gets this bad it’s easier to just ask the question, ‘well…What was good?’ And wow you know there’s something really wrong when you just.. Can’t.. Think of anything. I.. kind of liked how lots of people got paid when they showed up to work. Matt. Damon.. Showed up. Willem Dafoe showed up.

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So you know they can get those bills paid. The writers and CGI people sometimes showed up. You know what tho, I wished they hadn’t. Then they would have had to shoot the film at interesting places (Of which China has a million of!!) and not in my Amiga 2000. And if there were no lines to remember they could of just winged it ‘Whose Line Is It’ styles just off the cuff. Then it could have been funny.

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Well there was at least one moment the writers defiantly turned up only problem is they had their Government minders in tow. It was a scene where. Matt. Damon.. was getting lectured to by one of the local Characters about how lame you westerners are because you can’t play nice together because you don’t have one common COUGH! COUGHcommunism COUGH! Excuse me, I’ll just get a drink of water BRB………………………………………………….ahem that’s better.

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It was a very interesting scene that had a Commodore 64 wide shot in it showing the characters talking and post battle landscape beyond littered, with the dead bodies of local troops. Dead because they were forced to fight in a ridiculous way ( which you get to see). At least they died efficiently, no questions no burial. At least no one cared. Is that ironic, I’m always nervous about using the term but I’m pretty sure that’s ironic. Anywho because the market for ‘The Great Wall’ is huge I’m sure it will be a financial success. 2 out of 10 welcome to the future.




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