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Hellboy (2019)

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Waste of time

You know, I got the fears just as I was driving to watch this. It just suddenly dawned on me. I absolutely love the original Hellboy movies, so how could this one possibly compete? What am I doing?! It can’t be made better, can it? But then maybe it’ll be on par, yes maybe. You can’t stuff a movie like this up – it’ll be … just different.

There he is, Hellboy. Yer he looks cool, ok now make me laugh or something. Do it!

I was like that through the whole movie. I see the setup for the funny; I breathe in anticipation for the punchline, but there was always just a slow exhale. They couldn’t get any gags to work. And they tried heaps of times. It always fell flat, was lost or interrupted.

Interrupted by the cool stuff, question mark..? (ha I actually still needed an actual question mark there to get you to read the up inflection in your mind). This is Hellboy! It’ll be cool! But I’ll get to that in a mo.

The story is very similar to what we already know and have seen, nothing surprising. This was actually a real problem for me as it triggered my memory, of the same moment, in the previous version. And those memories were waaaaaay better. DON’T REDO a DEL TORO MOVIE! Well that came out early, I should cut n paste that to the bottom of this review. This Hellboy looked so bland in comparison WHAT’S THE POINT OF THIS!

And as the movie limped on, every component began to become annoying. I got sick of the acting not making me laugh or even delivering any interesting information. The CGI even started to look lame as I began to look for reasons to hate this movie. Come on, come on, next scene, next scene let’s get this lame train moving! Ha, look at that it’s Milla Jovovich. She’s a wicked witch who remembers all her lines. She has a really gross swearing pig human pal to do her bidding.

Gross. That’s the true definition of this movie and that’s what kept interrupting my movie watching experience. Hellboy really leaned heavily on the fact that it has an R rating. Scattered throughout this fail-fest are striking moments of extreme violence and gore. None of them feel like they belong and none of them make your seat feel any comfier. It’s like always awkward violence. It’s not interesting or shocking, it’s stupid and cringy. Gross. I can’t think of another movie that’s pulled that
off, actually.

I’ve got to say my biggest disappointment was what wasn’t in this reboot. For all the cheesiness (cool cheesiness) and the super casual tone of the first ones, I really love that central core story. They find a young demon who’s adopted by a loving caring old man. And it’s that love that was passed down over the years that overrode the true nature of Hellboy. That is such a wonderful story demonstrating the power of love and its ability to change what should be a negative and turn it into something beautiful. This movie didn’t have any of that.

Weeelllll there was a half-assed bit where they tried at the end. But that misses the point. The original Hellboy grew up knowing that his ‘Dad’ loved him. He marinated in it every day. And that’s why he could shrug off the temptations. But this Hellboy, it seems didn’t know that..? Until the end. So all you keep thinking as he gets betrayed and mistreated, why doesn’t he just switch sides? DON’T REDO a DEL TORO MOVIE!

Ok, ok come on, let’s try and find something good to say now… Come on… let’s go – Ian McShane was good as the dad. Not as good as John Hurt.. Dammit. Yer, I can see this happening again and again, messing up trying to find what the new Hellboy did better. Hellboy’s chest makeup was better than the first ones!! There, I did it! It had a way better colour palette where in the first ones, it was way too simple. Wait … now that I’ve seen the new one… what were the original creators thinking?! What happened Del Toro?! Go back to chest colouring-in… school.

You see, I think I’ve built trust into our relationship now that you can see I’m not just a hater.

3/10

– Nick Holder

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Waste of time

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